Surviving the Newborn Trenches
In March 2024, I welcomed my beautiful baby girl into the world and embraced my new title: Mom. I had dreamed of this moment for as long as I can remember, eagerly anticipating the joyous, colorful adventure of motherhood. I pictured myself holding my newborn, overwhelmed with love and joy, floating through days of bonding and pure motherly bliss. But as soon as I was discharged from the hospital, reality slapped me in the face, and I quickly realized how different it would be.
The first few weeks of motherhood are now mostly a blur. When I look back at photos of my baby during that time, I can hardly remember those moments. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and—most of all—so, SO scared. What I thought would be magical moments spent getting to know my newborn felt suffocating and dark. I was away from friends and family, and despite my husband’s support during his paternity leave, I still felt utterly lost and alone.
In my mind, I had always known that motherhood wouldn’t be easy. But nothing could have prepared me for the physical and emotional toll those early days took. The sleepless nights, the daily crying (both mine and the baby’s), the overwhelming sense of responsibility, and the constant feeling of not being good enough—it all came crashing down on me. It felt like a tidal wave of doubt and fear that I couldn’t escape and worried that I would drown under.
My response to this was to withdraw. I didn’t talk to anyone about what I was going through. I didn’t want to seem like my life was falling apart or, worse, like I wasn’t a good mom. I thought I had to keep it all together. Instead, I let the chaos in my mind take over. The mess in my home started to reflect the clutter in my thoughts. Dirty dishes piled up in the sink, baby bottles littered every surface, and laundry remained untouched. My house—once my safe space—began to feel like a battleground of anxiety.
I remember walking from room to room, feeling this pit in my stomach. It wasn’t just the exhaustion getting to me; it was a deep sense of failure. I kept wondering, “Isn’t this supposed to be the happiest time of my life? Why do I feel like I’m drowning and barely breathing?”
One day, after a particularly rough and sleepless night, I hit my breaking point. My baby had been fussing all day, my milk supply was decreasing, and I couldn’t find the strength to soothe her or myself. I cried hard as I fed my baby her bottle, heavy tears falling on her tiny delicate face, feeling utterly defeated and alone. I still remember my husband coming home and seeing me in that state, the worry and helplessness in his eyes as he tried to help me talk about my feelings. Something had to change. I couldn’t keep fighting myself and my surroundings. The mess around me was depleting me both physically and mentally, and I knew I needed to make a shift for myself and my family.
That’s when I decided to give myself permission to feel everything I was feeling—no judgment, no guilt, and, most importantly, no comparisons. One of the first steps I took was to detox from social media. I unfollowed accounts that showed perfect moms with their seemingly easy babies and their perfectly timed routines. Every time I saw these videos, I felt like I was failing as a mother because it seemed as if everyone else had it all together, and I was the only one struggling. But that’s not reality, in fact, it is far from it. Stepping away from those expectations was a pivotal moment for me.
That small act of self-compassion—giving myself grace—was the beginning of something greater and better… my healing journey.
Clutter in my Mind & Home
As I started to be kinder to myself, I realized that the physical space around me was contributing to my stress. My home, once neat and organized, had become cluttered and chaotic, mirroring the state of my mind. I had always prided myself on keeping a tidy, welcoming space, but after having a baby, I couldn’t keep up. And that was okay—something I had to remind myself over and over, and still do to this day.
However, I couldn’t ignore the feeling that the mess in my home was weighing me down. It was as if the clutter was crowding my mind, adding to the overwhelming anxiety I already felt. I kept thinking back to how things used to be before the baby—how effortlessly I could clean and organize. But motherhood was different. I had to accept the fact that I wasn’t going to be able to tackle my entire house all at once, and that’s where the real change happened.
I made a conscious decision to approach my home differently. Instead of trying to do everything at once, I broke it down into baby steps—just like I was breaking down my motherhood journey. I started small, focusing on one area of my home at a time. And each small win felt like a victory.
At night, after my baby finally went down for her brief sleep stretches, I would spend 15 to 20 minutes tidying up. I’d wipe down the counters, clear the sink, and light a candle with a calming scent. I cannot express how transformative this simple act was. It was the first time in weeks that I felt in control. I realized that I didn’t need a ‘Pinterest-perfect’ home; I just needed a space that felt peaceful and clean – where I could breathe.
By the end of the week, I noticed how much my mental load had been lightened simply by clearing out the physical clutter. I began to look forward to my nightly routine—it became a small token of self-care in the chaos of newborn life. And slowly, those small steps toward creating a cleaner, calmer home helped me begin to heal.
Practical Tips for Surviving the Newborn Trenches
If you’re in the thick of it right now as a new mom, I want you to know that you’re not alone. I know just how overwhelming and isolating it can be when you think you’re the only one struggling while others seem to be so good at motherhood. But trust me, many of us are right there with you, even if we don’t always talk about it. Here are a few things that helped me start feeling like myself again—things that I hope will help you too:
- GIVE YOURSELF GRACE: Motherhood is hard. So much harder than I ever anticipated. Allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling without guilt. Whether it’s sadness, anger, frustration, or exhaustion—it’s all valid. Struggling doesn’t make you any less of an amazing mom. You’re doing the best you can just by showing up everyday for your baby and that’s more than enough.
- CREATE SPACE- PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY : Sometimes, a little bit of organization can go a long way. Start small—clear off a countertop, make your bed, or set a timer for 5 minutes to clean a corner of your room. These little wins can make a big difference in how you feel. Don’t aim for perfection; aim for improvement. And remember, just as you need physical space, you also need mental space. Let go of unrealistic expectations and give yourself room to breathe.
- ASK FOR HELP: Arguably one of the most important things every new mom needs to know – it is okay to ask for help. For centuries it has been said that it takes a village to raise a child, so why are we running away from that concept now? Whether it’s your partner, a friend, or a family member, lean on your support system. There are also Facebook groups, Tiktok communities etc for new moms that can be super helpful as well. My husband’s paternity leave was a lifesaver, and daily check-ins with him made the biggest difference. Sometimes, simply talking about how I was feeling helped to significantly lighten my mental load.
- ONE STEP AT A TIME: As a recovering perfectionist, I know how hard it can be to let go of the idea that you need to do everything perfectly. But trying to tackle everything at once, especially with a baby, will only lead to burnout and even more anxiety. Prioritize what’s most important to you in the moment—whether it’s bonding with your baby, self care, or simply clearing one small area of your home—and let the rest go.
- SELF PRAISE AND AFFIRMATION:Being a mother is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Give yourself credit. You need all the positive affirmations you can get. If you ever doubt yourself, pick up your baby and watch how their face lights up when they see you. You are their whole world, and that is all you need to be.
- HAVE AN OUTLET: In the beginning months of motherhood it is so easy to get burnt out. You are constantly thinking of the next step – baby’s feeds, sleep, diaper changes, household chores, groceries, etc. It is important to take a step back and have an outlet for yourself. This can be a fun hobby or just quiet time to rest your mind. Talk to your partner, friend or relative to be able to get 30 mins-1 hr daily that is carved out just for you. This step is crucial for your wellness and allows you to show up refreshed for your baby.
To all the new moms out there deep in the newborn trenches,
I want you to know that it does get better. It’s easy to get bogged down by social media’s facade of magical motherhood, but the truth is, motherhood is HARD. There’s a reason we are called superwomen for balancing being a mom with running a house, careers etc, – it is not for the weak. That being said, there’s no rush to ‘bounce back’ or to have it all figured out. One step at a time, you will find your rhythm, and you’ll start to feel like yourself again. For new moms and old moms, I’d love to hear from you in the comments below—what’s one thing that’s gotten you through the newborn trenches?
